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  • Kristy Forbes

I quit



**Trigger warning: suicidal ideology mentioned** . . . . Yep. . It’s a green grocery bag hanging from Miss Five’s bed. . This is what I love about my husband. . His innovative, creative ability. . He always finds practical solutions to every single situation that can be fixed with a piece of wood, a belt pulled tight to secure cupboards in place, or a green grocery bag to catch nightmares when the dream catcher is broken. . Inside of our family crisis that went on for a number of years, . He grew accustomed to me calling him throughout the day, sobbing. . He would offer practical solutions and I would hang up on him the minute he started. . He’s rational and I? . Clearly I’m emotional. . I didn’t want practical solutions. . I didn’t want answers at all. . We had to learn to communicate to each other exactly what we needed. . I needed him to hold space for me. . I needed him to be with me in that moment, . To just sit with me as I sobbed and talked through sobs and heavy breaths in between. . But I didn’t know that’s what I needed and I didn’t know how to tell him. . I didn’t know until so many difficult moments rolled into that one moment where I was screaming; shrieking into the phone . Raging. . When I reflect back on it, I can still feel the rage, the adrenaline, the fear, the panic, the devastation, the desperation coarsing through my entire being. . I didn’t recognise the sound of my voice; the primal screams coming from my body. . I no longer identified with the woman I had once been, screaming down the phone to my husband that I was going to drive my car into a tree. . Crisis. . I felt outside of my body. . I had given up. . That was the day my husband came home from work to be with me; to hold space for me and I for him. . Etched in my mind forever is the image, the memory, the relief of throwing in the towel. . Saying out loud that I couldn’t do it all. . Deferring from study, resigning from my job, resting. . Reconnecting. . THAT is where our life as a family as we know it today began. . In the moment where we quit. . I quit my studies and my job, . I quit chronic illness . I quit comparison and desperation . We quit the things that don’t matter and we committed to each other. . ❤️

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